Sitting in a hotel room in Mountain View, California, I thought about calling Mom. I had the urge to pick up my cell phone to call her, to check on her, and let her know everything was fine. But that was no longer possible. My Mom passed away on June 18 from a complication due to her health condition.
Many of you contacted during my long period of silence. Sorry that I haven’t responded until now. Last couple of months were tough. I withdrew within myself. My extreme introverted personality really kicked in.
You all know that I complained about two of my sisters. It got really bad. My sister Lily who lived with Mom was on drugs. One day she turned on the stove not knowing that it failed to ignite. Mom sitting in the kitchen with all the windows and doors closed. Luckily I was there in time to turn off the stove and open the windows. Yet, with that going on, my sister Julie refused to take Mom in her home to get better care. Even though she had a housekeeper and could provide Mom better care, Julie made up lies to reject the idea. It was stupid of her because she told different stories to different people. The stories didn’t match up when some of us started talking to one another. It was truly unbelievable.
I had to get my other sister Angela, who lives in Taiwan, to come and help me make arrangements for Mom. She came and saw how serious it was. I volunteered to move in with Mom under the condition of having Lily moved out. Everyone agreed. Everyone.
Mom’s condition started deteriorating rapidly after Angela left. She could not help herself at all. She started to forget everything and Lily was just oblivious to Mom’s condition. Mom wasn’t eating right, not drinking water, not taking medication. I had to move her out. Angela and I forced Julie to take her in until I was able to move in.
Julie’s housekeeper took very good care of Mom. Mom was eating every meal, and lots of it. She was taking medication on time. She was doing great! Then in Friday night, June 15, she started having great difficulty breathing after coming out of the bathroom. She was rushed to the Emergency room. The doctor put her on the ventilator. She wasn’t able to breath on her own at all. Later the doctor found out it was a blood clot that travelled to her lungs, blocking the blood flow to the heart. The doctors announced that it could be time for her to go. We continued hoping for the best. But on Monday her kidney started failing. She was under a heavy dose of morphine for pain control. Her blood pressure was kept in control with heavy medication and it was starting to fail. The doctor sat us down to talk about letting her go.
Mom passed away that night with a roomful of people chanting for her. She only stayed a few more minutes after they took away the life support.
The following weeks were all about preparing for her funeral services. We had one here in the States. Her body was cremated. We then took her ashes and flew to Taiwan where we had another service before heading south to place her ashes in one of our Buddhist teachers’ temple. It was a temple that she visited at least once a year when she was still here.
I flew back to the States alone and very sick. I had a tough time. I felt like my life was taken from me. Everything continued to go on around me and yet nothing was the same. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was finally going through the deeper emotions after weeks of busy activities. I had a tough time accepting that she was gone from my life.
I am much better now. I am starting to think about the future without feeling guilty. And I know she is not gone. She’s just in a different place.
This is one of the last pictures I took of my Mom. I sent one of these to get Angela to come to the States fast. Mom was still trying to be cute even though she was very sick.
This is a picture of the memorial service in Taipei, Taiwan. That’s Angela talking about Mom.
The place where Mom’s ashes are housed.
I sincerely thank you for continuing to email me, post comments, call me, to just check up on me. I am really sorry that I kept silent for so long. I think I am back. You all really helped me push forward. We are also talking about moving up North again, which is why I was in Mountain View. Going away really helped too. That will be the next post.
I really miss my Mom. It is still difficult sometimes. But I know it is going to be OK.
