Sitting in a hotel room in Mountain View, California, I thought about calling Mom. I had the urge to pick up my cell phone to call her, to check on her, and let her know everything was fine. But that was no longer possible. My Mom passed away on June 18 from a complication due to her health condition.
Many of you contacted during my long period of silence. Sorry that I haven’t responded until now. Last couple of months were tough. I withdrew within myself. My extreme introverted personality really kicked in.
You all know that I complained about two of my sisters. It got really bad. My sister Lily who lived with Mom was on drugs. One day she turned on the stove not knowing that it failed to ignite. Mom sitting in the kitchen with all the windows and doors closed. Luckily I was there in time to turn off the stove and open the windows. Yet, with that going on, my sister Julie refused to take Mom in her home to get better care. Even though she had a housekeeper and could provide Mom better care, Julie made up lies to reject the idea. It was stupid of her because she told different stories to different people. The stories didn’t match up when some of us started talking to one another. It was truly unbelievable.
I had to get my other sister Angela, who lives in Taiwan, to come and help me make arrangements for Mom. She came and saw how serious it was. I volunteered to move in with Mom under the condition of having Lily moved out. Everyone agreed. Everyone.
Mom’s condition started deteriorating rapidly after Angela left. She could not help herself at all. She started to forget everything and Lily was just oblivious to Mom’s condition. Mom wasn’t eating right, not drinking water, not taking medication. I had to move her out. Angela and I forced Julie to take her in until I was able to move in.
Julie’s housekeeper took very good care of Mom. Mom was eating every meal, and lots of it. She was taking medication on time. She was doing great! Then in Friday night, June 15, she started having great difficulty breathing after coming out of the bathroom. She was rushed to the Emergency room. The doctor put her on the ventilator. She wasn’t able to breath on her own at all. Later the doctor found out it was a blood clot that travelled to her lungs, blocking the blood flow to the heart. The doctors announced that it could be time for her to go. We continued hoping for the best. But on Monday her kidney started failing. She was under a heavy dose of morphine for pain control. Her blood pressure was kept in control with heavy medication and it was starting to fail. The doctor sat us down to talk about letting her go.
Mom passed away that night with a roomful of people chanting for her. She only stayed a few more minutes after they took away the life support.
The following weeks were all about preparing for her funeral services. We had one here in the States. Her body was cremated. We then took her ashes and flew to Taiwan where we had another service before heading south to place her ashes in one of our Buddhist teachers’ temple. It was a temple that she visited at least once a year when she was still here.
I flew back to the States alone and very sick. I had a tough time. I felt like my life was taken from me. Everything continued to go on around me and yet nothing was the same. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was finally going through the deeper emotions after weeks of busy activities. I had a tough time accepting that she was gone from my life.
I am much better now. I am starting to think about the future without feeling guilty. And I know she is not gone. She’s just in a different place.
This is one of the last pictures I took of my Mom. I sent one of these to get Angela to come to the States fast. Mom was still trying to be cute even though she was very sick.
This is a picture of the memorial service in Taipei, Taiwan. That’s Angela talking about Mom.
The place where Mom’s ashes are housed.
I sincerely thank you for continuing to email me, post comments, call me, to just check up on me. I am really sorry that I kept silent for so long. I think I am back. You all really helped me push forward. We are also talking about moving up North again, which is why I was in Mountain View. Going away really helped too. That will be the next post.
I really miss my Mom. It is still difficult sometimes. But I know it is going to be OK.
Jason, I thought this was what happened, your Mom continuing her journey, I know about the pain and the deep missing of a parent no longer walking the earth and please know that I’ll continue to hold you close in my thoughts. Watch for her in your dreams. Peace to you, Jason.
I am so sorry for your loss–your in my thoughts. Namaste.
Oh, Jason, I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry for what you have been through. Nothing can make this better for you but I think you know that. I think that you are a much wiser person than I.
I have been thinking of you a lot lately because, through the move and the craziness, I have always had the beautiful keychain you gave me. Lastnight, I sat for a while, looking at the keychain. I still don’t know which pictures I want to put in it!
You are in my thoughts. May your mother’s journey be peaceful.
jason, i am so sorry for your loss, but you are right – she is not gone, just in a different place now.
i’m glad you are back, we’ve missed you!!
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom, Jason. I’ll be thinking about you.
Thank you Marianne, Kelly, Dave, Sachi, Annika, Chris and Alice. Your words really mean a lot to me. And they do help me keep looking forward. It feels good to be back, in so many ways. It will definitely take more work at times. But I can really tell you all that I feel able to move forward. HUGS!!!
I am holding you and your family in light and love, singing my chant for you all.
Dear Jason,
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother but I also feel she is not gone, just in a place without the hardships of this world. Where ever she is, I know she would not want you to feel guilty for living the life she gave to you. I commend you on stepping in to care for your mother although I know it was very difficult. I have no doubt in my mind that your mother appreciated your care and love. I hope in the time to come that you can remember all the love you shared with her and gain a measure of comfort. Take care.
Jane
Oh Jason, I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself.
Thank you Jerry, Jane and Julie. Thank you for being there. HUGS! I wish I were able to stay with her and take care of her for a while. She really liked that idea. Maybe even just the idea made her happy.
Dear Jason,
Whenever I was looking at your blog, I kept hoping that a new post will be posted about a fabulous vacation you took and were too busy catching up at work now. I thought that with your mother being unwell, wishful thinking might help. I’m so sorry it didn’t. I know that all the care and love you gave your mother made a big difference in her comfort level during those last few months, and were much appreciated. Keep moving forward, even when the steps are difficult to make. Huge hug,
-Mariza
Dear Jason,
Whenever I was looking at your blog, I kept hoping that a new post will be posted about a fabulous vacation you took and were too busy catching up at work now. I thought that with your mother being unwell, wishful thinking might help. I’m so sorry it didn’t. I know that all the care and love you gave your mother made a big difference in her comfort level during those last few months, and were much appreciated. Keep moving forward, even when the steps are difficult to make. Huge comforting hug,
-Mariza
Thank you Mariza. I am doing better and better everyday. Your wishful thinking does help. Yours and everyone’s kindness help me feel less lonely. And yes, I know I am never truly alone.
Jason, I am sorry for your loss. I know how difficult and disorienting it is to lose your mother. For me it was as if I lost my compass for a while. I know that you will continue to walk in the sunlight. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish peace and ease from your sorrow. Thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you Janel. This feeling is so unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. It really surprised me. I am glad that I have friends like you to remind me to keep moving forward.
Hope to see you soon!
Jason,
I’m so sorry about this. I didn’t get around to see whether you’ve updated until now.
She’s in a better place now and I’m sure that you’re pulling yourself through well.
Thank you Elemmaciltur. There will always be moments that I miss her terribly. But that’s to be expected. But it’s not a desperate feeling anymore.
Hunny. I had no idea. I’ve been so caught up in my own drama. Well, I’m glad I didn’t know – I only would have said something stupid and inane. I’m sorry for your loss.